Depression

Lately, as you can probably tell I have been falling into some sort of depression. I honestly dont know what has sparked it. Yesterady I had a fight with my sister because I was "naggin" about it yet once again. But that has only fueled my mood today. See, yesterady I tried to say, I have to find a reason I am in Florida. I mean, you do things for a reason, I had no reason to move here, and still havent found a reason to stay forever. I feel like a year and 1/2 ago when I went to Chicago, that so much in the area has changed. I feel like the 5 years I have been here have changed. I feel like I am just passing time in Fl. (gods waiting room, is what I usually call it) There just isnt those feel good weekends, that I hoped for. There arent church carnivals, or bars, with out being a chain resturant. There arent any people who have every wekend off, like myself (even if I am on call) The theme parks are 8 miles away, however so busy and hot during the weekends why would I ever go? There isnt a forrest preserve, to have a BBQ with friends, and heck there are barley friends. There isnt a muesum or aquariam, or zoo's.

I am trying to figure out if my job is worth staying for? I feel like if I change jobs then possibly I would be digging a grave. I have some security here, I am currently doing 3 jobs all at once. I have made myself "available" to other departments so that I can get more job security. However, those people who are in those positions as well, feel like Im invading territory, and dont tell me ALL the information that I need to know. I have even sat down with one girl, and said that. I dont "want" her job, I was asked to learn it so she can go on vacation. But she always holds out just a wee bit, untill i question something she is doing. Then its the ohh yeah suitation, "I do it this way" always baffles me.

I have wanted to dive deep into planning an around the world life. I got some books from the Library this weekend. However, when I mention it to my sister yesterday her excuse for telling me NOT to get head over heals is as follows. she wont have a job to come back to, she dosent even have full time work now, she will be out of the loop for a year or more, she dosent know if she could have that kind of money saved, she has animals, she is fat, she wants to tour with groups, she is getting older... yada yada yada is all I end hearing and it enrages me.

Yes, I feel like some of those concers are real, and some are crazy. But damn it, I refuse to be 60 and say, ok now we travel. I wont make it, I wont want to do EVERYTHING I dream about now. I still wont have enough money then, and then Ill worry about the small shit. My philophsy is this. Travel when your young, work when your older, and stay alive longer because your mind keeps going. I have seen it so much here, people who stop working when there 63 die young. Why, because they let there minds get old and wonder. I would rather return to the work force in a few years, and keep taking travel trips along the way, so that when Im 60 Ill get a "serious" wall mart greeter job. IF I only decide to travel when Im 60 then Ill only get to see places once. If I travel now, I have the chance to see it 2-3 times in my life. Maybe all this jibber jabber is stupid, maybe it just isnt "right" but in my heart I feel its right, so it must be.

My relationshiop with Bub is so crazy. One day, he is Mr touchy one day he pushes me away. I know he dosent love me anymore, as I dont love him. I mean, IN LOVE. He is my friend, best friend, we are buddies, he can be himself (which I pointed out to him yesterday, and made him uncomfortable) I am totally myself. But I feel like Im not moving on. Ok, honestly Im NOT! I dont want to hurt his feelings if I move on. It would tear me up inside if he moved on right now, but Im a big girl, and I would get through it. I could never hate him, NEVER I dont even hate my ex husband, or any other asshole that has come through my life. Im just not a hater.

my Birthday, is 16 days away... Im sure my whole attitude is loosley based on this also. I hate birthday's. My mom makes me hate them & I hate surprises. My mom dosent give sister anything, and then loads up on me. I dont find it fair, I dont like how she treats each of us different. I just called my sis to tell her not to get me anything, and to relay the message to any-everyone. Leave me alone, I dont want anything anyway!

ok, maybe I feel a tad better getting it out... Ill watch for progress