Serious …..Seriously

In a few short months, I will be doing something I said I didn’t want to do, again. Bub will be moving into my home, because where he lives has become very expensive. His current apartment is old, and moldy. I shouldn’t really mention, but it is small. I am torn about how I feel. On one hand I am excited. I really miss him. On the other hand, my heart will not be involved, this time. It has taken me a long time, to get over him. And if could be honest with myself, I still am not over him. Since the first moment he asked me about living together I have heard this huge steel door slam around my heart (seriously). My heart is not going to be in this again. I am not willing to put my heart on the line. I have this fear that this time; somewhere along the lines he will say something stupid like he loves me. We have decided to set rules and rules are good, but two people who are extremely comfortable with each other are going to toss the rules out the window. There are a ton of things I feel I have to remember. Like my patience. I have to remember that I have agreed to open my home to him, and he is not as neat and clean as me. I have committed myself to a diet lifestyle, and can not eat dessert/food no matter how good it smells. That my bathroom will be slightly more cluttered by men’s things. I can’t turn my music on really loud and dance around like I sometimes do, especially when he is sleeping. Bingo is my dog, and even though I am sure he will occasionally help me it is still my responsibility to take him out, feed him and anything else that he may need. It is also very important that I stop calling Bub daddy. He really dislikes it and he is not one of those people who are all about making the dog part of the family.
I have thought about this subject for weeks now. I realized that my heart is not, something I am willing to part with at this time, to anyone. I know from asking myself ten thousand times, what I want/ don’t want is that I do not want to get involved with anyone right now. I really don’t even want to get involved with anyone sexually. Mainly because I am one of those girls, who attaches emotions to sex. I am not someone who can just have a sex buddy. When I think of sex, I want it to be with someone I like, for more then a day or week. I want it to be meaningful, and for someone to stick around for more then a minute after THEY are finished.

I think, that letting Bub move in is a great thing, I am happy to have him. He always teaches me something about life, and myself so the door is wide open, to my home that is. Come in, make yourself at home, but please respect my need to be emotionally unattached to things right now.
I don’t know if this is the way I want to end this subject, but for right now, it is. I think Bub is a smart man, and he knows how I feel. I am sure he will understand this post.